You know that awful left- out feeling that gives you the middle- school heebie jeebies all over again? I get it as an adult… I rationalize and say this must be normal. It must be a human experience that even carries through one’s life in the adulting world. Right?
But the most hurtful thing is when the people you love the most can give you the feeling like you’re not wanted, not loved, and quite- honestly- not even worth a second- thought. The place you’re supposed to feel the most loved, the most supported, and the most safe is the very same place I have grown to feel like the biggest outcast. They must have thought I wasn’t fun enough I say. Or maybe they thought I wouldn’t be interested. Or maybe….just maybe… I wasn’t even relevant enough to be invited. Those same haunting feelings that made me feel as though I was the outsider looking in, that made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and nothing I could do could mask the pain of it all– it just piles into one lonely, dark pile of rejection.
We live in such a numb- happy society where it is perfectly acceptable to temporarily escape your feelings… something hurts whether physical or emotionally painful, there’s a pill for it, right? My form of numbing the pain comes in busyness. My pattern is to get burned, and then immediately mask it with busyness. The more busy you stay, the more you won’t think about it, right? The less time I have to think about it the better off I’ll be, right? If I block off my calendar, so much so that I don’t have a spare moment to feel the pain I would feel if I had not, the pit in my stomach will eventually just go away, right? Wrong.
The more numbing, the more the pain just hangs on to you, and becomes a part of you. It might manifest in the form of lethargy, or headaches, or stomach aches. It might take form in bitterness or becoming cruel to others so they might feel the pain you felt. Or maybe, the courageous will be strong, kind, and loving to themselves. They won’t numb the pain but instead will feel every ounce of sadness and grieve for their own hurt. The brave will grow stronger from the pain they experience in life because they will truly feel it, validate their own feelings, and then move on. Truly move on- not just say it, but feel it deep in their bones.
My story is one that is to be continued. I want to be strong and fearless. I want to teach my children to feel their sadness and heartache and have compassion for themselves. I want my children to be able to deal with their heartache one day with the same infinite amounts of compassion I have for them as they have for themselves. I want them to feel empathy not just for other people, but also for themselves. So in essence I need to practice what I preach (or will be preaching to them one day).
I hope to one day speak to those who have hurt me so that they might feel how much being left- out scarred me. But the truth of the matter is that I need to take my own advice and have compassion for myself right now and truly feel my feelings. It hurts and it will continue to, but I will heal that little middle- school left- out girl inside of me one day. I need to go through the pain, and not around it anymore. Thank you for reading. This was the first step towards my healing process and writing has always been so therapeutic to me.